Wednesday, January 28, 2004

 
What, like I need sleep?
I think I need to post more often.

I'm going to start off by talking about my life, in general, and see where that leads me....

So, I'm really enjoying being back in classes. A full load is a good thing. I'm thoroughly loving both classes with Dr. Steele, if for no other reason than she is a totally shibby professor.

I managed to miss the first online quiz in 331, simply because I forgot it until i was in bed, last night. Oops. Oh well, i'll be on my toes more, in future. This whole blackbaord thing confloggles me.

I just maked that word up, confloggle...

confloggle - (con-FLOGG-ehl) - v. - To muddy, confuse, or otherwise unconfortably tweak perceptions. See also: confuzzle, confuse, discomobulate.

I am seriously going through this nesting phase, right now. i have an urge to hug and hold and comfort and tend to people. I also have a need, right now to tell people their good points.

For example, James is sitting next to me, right now. He is really, really gorgeous, whether he knows it or not. His lips are well formed, and rosy, and those big, expressive eyes. Set against his hair falling in hsi eyes, and his beautifully curved cheek line, he really is a beauty. The best part is that the beauty within outshines so very much all the exterior appeal. His eyes draw you in and the light of all that he has inside shines out.

It will get better, James. Seriously. Somebody will see what i see, eventually. Not everyone dismisses so quickly. Some of us will stick around long enough to touch your inner beauty.



Ah, my Draca. She told me, recently that I am very psychic. I'm willing to buy that. I freely admit that I am perceptive beyond your average level of observance. She also told me I am smarter than her. Possibly. But she is something that the world needs more of, desperately. Patty is a lover. She has so much love and kindness in her heart. It bleeds out and engulfs me, every time we are together, especially when we drink. When patty has had a few, her walls come down, and this warm, gentle flow of compassionate love pours out of her and swirls around me, like feathers in a warm breeze. When I look in her eyes, I see something that is so far beyond the physical. I want her to know that I love her, as a sister, as a mother, as the beautiful symbol of womanhood that she is. Through all the pain, and all the trouble (and I do feel her hurt and the scars, lacing the unadulterated love), she still manages pure love. In this cold and jaded world, love is such a precious thing.

Patty, I want you to know that if you are rich in nothing else, you are rich in the one thing that truly matters. You, my dear ARE a goddess.



Lindsay (and to a lesser extent, Ryan):

Love is so amazing when it is new. I see a lot of potential, here. I want you both to have happiness. You deserve it. Rarely have I seen such uninhibited passion for life as in dear Lindsay, and not often is it that I see such reserve in a man as Ryan. This is a respectful relationship. I deem it good.



Michael: A lot has been left unsaid. No closure, no amicability. Perhaps this is best. It was a rash and crazy thing, we did. I think it was a learning experience for both of us. Myself, i cannot say what your lessons were. Yours are not mine to learn, just as mine are not yours. As harsh as it seems, I think you were meant to teach me how to be selfish. And I was. Frankly, i was a cold and evil bitch. But I needed that strength. I needed to be reminded that I had the ability to be the cold one.

I appologize, if I hurt you. Pain is something I am not used to inflicting. I want you to know that I think you are going to be good for someone, just not me. Most importanly, i want you to know that all the things I said that hurt you were not as much about you, as they were about me. I will be taking you off of my friends list, because it sortof hurts to see your posts. You can keep me on yours, or not. I just can't bear to look at your posts because it reminds me of how awful I can be. I harbor guilt for my behaviour.



Katie: I know I say it to you a lot, and you may think I don't really mean it, but I do. You are beautiful. You are so kind, and so caring. You are the epitome of empathy and the embodiment of sweet. You and Jenny make me believe in love. Sometimes, we need a reminder that there is true love out there, and for me, the way that you have given your heart to another gives me hope. I don't know if I will ever be able to truly give my entire heart, without reservations, and I admire, respect, and envy you for the ability to do so.



Jenny: You are one of the most fun and engaging people I know. YOu are so very in touch with your inner child and so fun to be around. You have such a way, such a presence, about you that I can't help but smile, when i think of you. When you have fun, you REALLY have fun, and I fucking love that, about you. You give me hope, with your wide-eyed innocence and simultaneous depth of maturity. You have earned and kept my utmost respect for your frank passion for life.



Jessie: You know how I feel about you. I've said it in LJ, before. But I want to say it again. You are beautiful. Inside, outside, spiritually, emotionally, you are beautiful. If you ever doubt that you have an impact on those around you, I want you to remember that I will always, ALWAYS be here for you. I love you so much. I really never told you, but I fell in love with you. If I were straight, and if I thought I was worthy of you, I would try to make you mine. As it is, I think that there are ways in which you are better than me, and far out of my league. I can't imagine defiling your grace, however. I respect you more than you will ever know.



Lorelei: You feel so much pain. If I could, i would take it all from you, because you deserve so much happiness. WHen i told you that you are important to me, i wasn't kidding. Even if I forget it, sometimes, and even if we argue, you are vital to me. Whenever you think that if you just went away, nobody would care, call me. Because if you were gone, one day...if you died, or were harmed, part of me would suffer and die, as well. The same part of me, in fact, that suffers, even as you do.



Gloria: I love your attitude and strength. You have drive, you have ambition, and you have so much heart. I think that the thing I respect most in you is your devotion. Your ability to reconcile to here and now, and that which is beyond sobers me. You are so confident in your convictions, and so steady in your strength. You are one of the few people I know to whom the term "grace" is not misapplied. And I feel the power of your devotion, to your friends, to your family, and to God in your touch, your voice, and your presence. I know you will go so far. When you get there, I will be proud to say that I knew you when you were just G-Lo. You're my girl, G-Lo, and I gotcher back.



Misty: I feel a quiet serenity and sort of cerebral calm from you that steadies the air. You are so centered, so open, and so peaceful, that I feel better just seeing you there. I really hope to get to know you better, Misty, because I think you are one of the most interesting people. NOt much more I can say about you, knowing you as slightly as I do, but I really, really hope that we can deepen our friendship.



Tim: Tim, tim, timtim, timtimtim.... YOu make me smile, boy. You're so loving and romantic, and sweet. You remind me a lot of myself. Despite all you have been through, you still have hope and you know that it will be alright. Frankly, I suppose that you are me, in some ways. Your purity, your kindness, your nonjudgemental openess to all things makes me proud to call you my friend. You skip, you spin, you sing, even though you know you are awful at it, and you just don't care that you look silly. I wish I was able to just be me so well as you are you. I envy your ability to just let yourself feel. Unlike me, you don't feel the need to question the motivations and goals of others. I wish I could take things at face value, like you do.


Well, Ladies and...errr...whatever, I seem to have made another one of those posts extolling the qualities I respect and love in my friends. But, you know, it is all the truth. There is actually so much more I could say about all of you. I truly do love you...all of you.

posted by CJ 4:16 PM

Thursday, January 22, 2004

 
Shrub
shrub - n - A little bush. See also lying asskiss.

Ah, the State of the Union...

(or Presidential Prestidigitation)

So, we caugh Saddam. Whoohoo! Damn-near pulled his happy ass out of a hat! No WMD, that we can verify 100%, but we got the fucker. Goodonya, Shrub, but don't keep telling me that the reason we fought this war was to clean out the terroist supporter and hoarder of WMD. Don't fucking lie to me.

We went to Iraq because we still had a mess to clean up. I support the war on Iraq. Don't get me wrong, I don't buy the reasoning. I support the ousting of the Baathist regime because WE PUT HIM THERE. He was our fuckup. We needed to clean it up (and should've done it in '91).

Maybe I support the ends if not the means.

And all these right-wing fucktards bitching about "long-haired, hippie, liberal, pinko fags" and how their left-wing asswipes wouldn't be fighting the dictator make me want to puke. Speaking as a long-haired, hippie, liberal REPUBLICAN fag, I must say we need a little credit where credit is due. No Democrat funded and put into power Saddam and his Motley Crew of Merry Murderers. That, my dears, was the doing of one Ronald Reagan. Or at least the administration under Reagan.

And I LIKE Reagan...but credit only where Credit is due. A conservative administration funded and empowered Hussein, and maybe it is just desserts that it was left to a conservative administration to clean him out.

My point is, if you are going to handle a situation, HANDLE it. Don't lie to me and whine about hidden WMD that was moved and absconded with. I have no doubt that Hussein has been funding WMD programs, but the point is, we can't prove it. As a reasoning for war, it is weak. We can't prove it, and we're grasping at straws. Try sticking to the gross violations of international treaties, human rights, and peace agreements. They are less inflamatory, but they are MUCH more logical. Trying to get a nation of hardcore free-thinkers to support a war out of fear of falling missiles is so 1973, Shrub. Get with the times.

At the time, it sounded like a good idea. The Baath party and the Taliban were both hardline anti-communist. And shit, it was the eighties! Why not? If you aren't all for the Red Menace, then hey, we can ignor the fact that you have a tendency to rape, pillage, and hoard power.

As for Health Care.... Fuck it. The system sucks. No amount of tinkering with the transistors is gonna fix it, if the cathode ray tube is shot. Scrap the system and start over. I am willing to pay higher taxes for reliable healthcare. One of the few things I would freely pay higer tax for.

DOMA...what to say to DOMA? Shit. That's what it is. For the goodgoddamned love of FUCK, the point of the constitution is to defend the rights and freedoms of Americans, not TAKE THEM AWAY. Fucktards. That is the most inane thing I have ever heard...to write an amendment to the constitution to specifically TAKE rights or priveleges away from a group of people.

Last time I checked, I was STILL an American. The fact that I happen to suck cock doesn't change that, and it shouldn't amount to one half a bird turd as to my life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness. If I, as a consenting adult, want to enter into a legally binding contract of commitment with another consenting adult, what kind of facist regime is this that tells me I can't. Freedom, people. Look into it.

While we're at it, why not bring back the 3/5 of a person rule...or maybe renounce sufferage. You know, just for kicks. If you want to piss of us Liberals, you have a lot more avenues to choose from, that also affect much more than just 10-15% of the population.

The purest intent of that document we hold so sacred is egalitarian, not divisive. However, the religious right has this frightening tendency to wave around the name of God and words like "morals" and "ethics" as a means of undermining the freedoms of people in favor of some sort of whitebread suburbanite Ward Cleaver sensibility that is somehow less troubling to a legion of Churchladies. Doesn't anyonme see the absurdity in this?

And maybe it's the pagan in me, but the overuse of the word God in that speech bugs me. You know, that just seems right up there with rappers thanking God for a Grammy. Because I'm sure God loves the credit for prosecution of innocent people, war, and "Slap da Bitch." I'm so sick of people speaking as if they have a direct line to God. Faith is fine. I admire the devout. But if there is one person into whose mouth one should not put words, I'm thinking it is God.

And yes, I am aware that this country has Christian roots. However those are Persecuted minority Christian roots. The point of all that fighting and immigration from Europe to begin with, was to be guaranteed the right to live as one chooses. Don't forget that the Quakers and Puritans were marginalized minorities who came here searching for rights and freedoms to practice as they pleased. They may have been highly religious people, but I still see it as a perversion of their basic intent when people try to subjugate others in the name of our country's Christian roots. I don't question the faith and sensibilities of our founding fathers, but I SERIOUSLY dislike the way people have taken what was, initially, a way to guarantee minority rights as justification to use the new majority to TAKE AWAY rights.

But, you know, that's just me.

I'm not even going to get into Homeland Security and the Patriot Act. Those topics turn my stomach. I'm too full of chinese food to risk reverse peristalsis.

posted by CJ 7:40 PM

Monday, October 27, 2003

 
Guh.

So, there I was, secure in my position on him. I was happy and carefree and I had swaddled these feelings in layers of fine, tightly-woven denial, shining and taught, like so many multicoloured bolts of rippling silk. My love for him was buried and dead, entombed in that place where we hide all those feelings of need and want and desire, with all their glittering artifacts and memorabilia, in a sarcophagous of self-protection.

And then some bastard cracks the seal on our tombs, and dry, dusty bones are revealed to harsh sun, naked and baren, with their wrappings crumbling amongst the jewels. All our trappings, and all our enshrinements are pulled out, in violation, and examined, turned and polished, and labeled, only to be put in some case for later veiwing.

"boy, don't lie. I can smell you getting moist over him, from here."

And ya know, it really hurts. Because I know I can't have him. He's so young, he's so naive, and he's leaving soon, anyway. If I could be with him, i would want to be WITH him. It wouldn't be a fling, or a quick fuck. I would need to be whole, with him, to hold him, and kiss him, and spend hours looking into his eyes, being his, and he mine. It couldn't be a half-measure.

Damnit, R.J. fuck you. Fuck you for not letting me sit in my tomb and moulder. I was doing just fine, letting my heart slowly decay into dust.

Fuck.
posted by CJ 8:17 PM

Friday, October 24, 2003

 
I still love you, David. I never stopped. Shit.


I opted not to have surgery. I am recovering well, and have most use, if no strength or endurance, back in my left hand.

I have worked out my schedule for Spring. I think I am just going to throw myself into school and work, next year. I need a distraction. I'm alone, and that isn't going to change, right now. Nor does it really need to. I'm taking my own advice, that I have been giving to others for years.

I need to work on me. I need to define who I am, and who i want to be. Until I have done so, any relationships will be nothing more than a means of shoring up my own crumbling sense of self.
posted by CJ 3:51 PM

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

 
Update

I wrecked yet another car. Flipped the blazer six times. Rediscovery of the lost art of walking seems prudent, at this point.

Michael is back in North Carolina. The honeymoon ended far too soon.

I now have an appartment in Huntsville.

Broken thumbs suck. Surgery is necessary. How we are to come up with six grand, I dunno.
posted by CJ 12:02 PM

Monday, August 04, 2003

 
To Those Wondering

Mom is recovering, nicely. She is easily tired and has to take about fifteen bazillion pills a day, but she is recovering.

Money is insanely tight, right now.

My car was totaled, but I and all concerned are fine.

Thank goodness for insurance.

Michael moves in this coming Saturday. Let the shagathon begin.

No, really,. I love that boy, and I can't wait to look into his eyes and tell him how much I love him.

posted by CJ 4:43 PM

Thursday, July 10, 2003

 
To those who don't know

THe afternoon of June 29th, my mother had a heart attack. I was not made aware of this until 9PM, the next night. I was not at the hospital when she had her quadruple bypass, later that next week, but I visited the night before she had her operation.

Just a little background on the previous post.
posted by CJ 10:38 PM

 
Yeah, because I wasn't torn up enough about this, I need your fucking opinion....

Orchidflowerchil: *I'M* being an ass? YOU won't even tell my what you are pissed about.
Manda2cool: im mad at YOU
Orchidflowerchil: If you want to play your little high school mind games, go right ahead, but don't expect me to play along.
Orchidflowerchil: Either tell me what I did to piss you off, or drop it.
Manda2cool: fine im mad b/c micheal was an ass to me when i was trying to find out where you were and im mad b/c you were not there for your mom at suryury there was no excuse for not being there so i dont want to hear it
Orchidflowerchil: MAybe the fact that my fucking CAR wouldn't start? Is that a good enough reason for you.
Orchidflowerchil: Fuck off, little girl.
Orchidflowerchil: Come back when you grow up.
Manda2cool: your telling lies
Orchidflowerchil: What lies?
Manda2cool: i head different
Orchidflowerchil: Which time are you talking about?
Orchidflowerchil: When she went into the hospital, at first, or when she went to surgery?
Manda2cool: the day of the sergery
Orchidflowerchil: I had very little gas, and my car was dead, anyway, when she went in, and I came and saw her the day before the surgery, then went home.
Manda2cool: w/e your b/f called me names and that is not right
Orchidflowerchil: What did he call you?
Manda2cool: phyllis would of came and got you anyone would of that is not excuse
Orchidflowerchil: How DARE you bring a moral judgement down upon me? How DARE you?
Orchidflowerchil: Judy brought me down the Monday after she was in the hospitral.
Orchidflowerchil: THe day it happened, i was in downtown. I didn;t even KNOPW about it until the next night.
Orchidflowerchil: Then I had no gas and a dead battery.
Orchidflowerchil: I got ahold of Judy and she took me down on Monday afternoon.
Manda2cool: im not moral juding anyone family sould be there for each other and so dont put crap on me
Orchidflowerchil: How THERE do you want me to be?
Orchidflowerchil: Do you want me to be standing over the frickin' doctor's shoulder?
Orchidflowerchil: Meanwhile, by telling me what I SHOULD do, you damn-well ARE judging me, and my motives.
Orchidflowerchil: What good was I going to do sitting in some waiting room while a surgeon cut into her?
Orchidflowerchil: Tell me that.
Orchidflowerchil: What good?
Orchidflowerchil: And what if something went wrong?
Orchidflowerchil: Hmm?
Orchidflowerchil: What good would it do to have me a screaming mess of raw emotion, right there in the lobby?
Orchidflowerchil: YOu act like this whole ordeal hasn't affected me.
Orchidflowerchil: And maybe I do, too.
Orchidflowerchil: But trust me, it has. The only reason for my lack of overt emotional expression is that I fear my own emotions, okay?
Manda2cool: well she would know that you are there for her and she knows that and she didnt b/c you werent there
Orchidflowerchil: Oh, she told you as much, did she?
Orchidflowerchil: DO you know where I was the day she had the surgery?
Orchidflowerchil: I was a mess, is what I was.
Manda2cool: at the WOODLANDS with those gurls
Orchidflowerchil: I was crying all over my friend, all night, and getting good and drunk.
Orchidflowerchil: Because I was being torn apart, inside, and I couldn't handle my own pain.
Orchidflowerchil: And I don't think i needed to bring any more of that on anyone but myself and the people who understand me.
Orchidflowerchil: Actually, Jessie, Shannon, and I were HERE.
Manda2cool: w/er i guess i dont know you then
Orchidflowerchil: What DON'T you know?
Orchidflowerchil: Do you WANT to know?
Orchidflowerchil: DO you want to know that I have not really been able to deal with this entire thing because I don't want to even think about how close I came to losing my mother?
Orchidflowerchil: Do you want to know how hard it is to look at my mom, lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a million machines?
Manda2cool: well then you sould of been there so it would give her a reason to wunna come back i woiuold of been there for my mom and im not that close to her wither
Orchidflowerchil: Don't you DARE even attempt to tell me what I should and shouldn't do, because you have no idea of my pain and my motivations.
Manda2cool: you not old enough to freakin drink so dont give me that shit i think that you are partying to much and you are runing your life with all this bs crap!!!!
Orchidflowerchil: DON'T FUCKING JUDGE ME, AMANDA.
Manda2cool: then dont judge me!!!!
Orchidflowerchil: Take your goddamned legal drinking age and shove it up your ass.
Orchidflowerchil: I dealt with what I was feeling. I may not have done it in the best of ways, but I did it.
Orchidflowerchil: And my mistakes are MINE, just as yours belong only to you.
Orchidflowerchil: I will deal with them, and I don't need you telling me how to do so.
Manda2cool: your making the most biggest mistake right now you just lost the closet person to you BYE cj


I'm not even going to START to mention how much her little teenybopper slang "turms" bug me.

Ladies and gentlemen, my dear, sweet, caring, sensitive cousin.
posted by CJ 10:36 PM